Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Hard things

I'm discouraged tonight. Noah was supposed to have his Christmas visit with his mom and she didn't come.  His grandma was there, and lavished him with gifts. But he told me that he cried that his mom wasn't there. Yesterday he asked me why he doesn't live with her. I told him that she's working on being a better mom and hopefully he can live with her again.

Tonight, after all the new toys were played with, Noah told Caden that his momma doesn't like white people.  "She doesn't like you, but I do", he said.

Why does this make me feel so ill?  This woman doesn't personally dislike me for who I am. She doesn't even know me. Perhaps she really does hate all white people. Perhaps she dislikes me because I'm getting some of Noah's affection right now and she wants it. Perhaps she feels that because I'm white, I can't properly care for a little black boy.  Maybe she's annoyed that he likes us.  If I were in her shoes, I might feel quite resentful of whoever had my kids. But I'm super annoyed that she's pouring her hate and bitterness into her 4 year-old son, who didn't realize we were white and he was black until she pointed it out. Or that this is supposed to be a big deal.

Poor confused baby boy.  One day he tells me he wants to live with us forever, and then the next day he wants to go back to his momma.  God heal us all.


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